Vulnerable Joy

A reflection on St Augustine’s Confessions: 1.6.7

One of the hardest things to accomplish in life is learning to do our part while relinquishing control of the outcome and the bounty to God alone.

We want to work hard. We want to compete. We want to improve. We want to win. None of those desires are necessarily wrong. The struggle begins when we start believing that because we participated in the work, we must also control the result.

Saint Augustine confronts this struggle very early in Confessions. Reflecting on his infancy, he recognizes that even before he could understand God, God was already sustaining him. His mother and nurses fed him, cared for him, and provided what he needed, but Augustine sees something deeper happening. The good he received ultimately came from God through them.

He writes:

“It was, indeed, good for them that my good should come through them, though, in truth, it was not from them but by them. For it is from you, God, that all good things come.”

I have read and reread this passage, and each time I am struck by how completely dependent we are upon God—and how good that dependence actually is.

In some ways, I find myself jealous of the nursing infant.

An infant lacks knowledge, independence, and the ability to participate in many of the goods of this world. Yet the infant also has something many of us spend our adult lives trying to recover: complete dependence.

The infant cries out in need and receives what is given. There is vulnerability in that dependence, but there is also tremendous freedom.

As we grow older, our wants become louder. We begin confusing what we desire with what we need. We convince ourselves that we know exactly what should happen next. We begin telling God not simply that we are hungry, but exactly what He should feed us.

Athletics exposes this struggle constantly.

We want the starting position. We want the scholarship. We want the championship. We want our athletes to perform well. We want our teams to win. We want our hard work to produce the outcome we believe it deserves.

But what if our responsibility is not to control the outcome?

What if our responsibility is faithful participation?

Both the Infant and the Provider

There is another part of Augustine’s reflection that stands out to me. God provided for Augustine through his mother and nurses. They participated in God's bounty by providing for the child.

That means something important for athletes and coaches: at different times, we are both the infant and the provider.

Sometimes we are the ones crying out to God in need. We need strength, wisdom, courage, patience, opportunity, healing, or direction. We must be vulnerable enough to acknowledge that we cannot provide everything for ourselves.

At other times, God chooses to make us the instrument through which His goodness reaches someone else.

A coach encourages an athlete who is struggling.

A teammate stays after practice to help someone improve.

A senior takes a freshman under her wing.

A player sacrifices personal recognition for the good of the team.

A coach gives time, energy, and attention to an athlete who may never help win a game.

How often are we given opportunities to be instruments of God's goodness and yet grumble about the inconvenience?

Augustine reminds us that it was good for those caring for him that his good should come through them. Serving someone else wasn't only good for the person receiving—it was good for the soul of the person giving.

That idea sits at the heart of B3rd Athletics: God First. Others Second. Me Third.

We should pray for greater awareness of the opportunities God gives us to become vessels of His goodness.

Surrender Is Not Passivity

This kind of dependence can easily be misunderstood.

Surrendering outcomes to God does not mean becoming passive.

The Christian athlete doesn't say, “God is in control, so it doesn't matter how hard I practice.”

The Christian coach doesn't say, “God determines the outcome, so preparation doesn't matter.”

Quite the opposite.

We have been invited to participate in God's work, which means we should pursue excellence with everything we have. Practice with purpose. Prepare well. Study. Train. Communicate. Lead. Sacrifice. Compete.

Do your part.

But we must also learn where our part ends.

That is one of the great challenges of Christian athletics: identifying where we need to work and where we need to get out of the way.

If all good things ultimately come from God, then the outcome cannot belong exclusively to us.

We should never walk away from a victory believing, I did this.

Neither should we walk away from a defeat believing, Everything rests on me.

We participated. We worked. We competed. We made decisions. Some were good and some were poor. We should evaluate those things honestly and continue pursuing excellence.

But the final outcome belongs to God.

The Freedom of Vulnerability

This is where vulnerability can become joy.

An infant's vulnerability seems like weakness, but there is freedom in needing someone else. The child doesn't pretend to be self-sufficient.

What if athletes competed with that same freedom before God?

I will prepare as well as I can.

I will give everything I have.

I will use the gifts God has given me.

I will serve my teammates.

I will pursue excellence.

And then I will accept what God allows.

That kind of vulnerability can free a Christian athlete to compete differently.

It doesn't mean we stop caring about winning. It doesn't mean losing shouldn't hurt. It doesn't mean we become indifferent toward results.

It means the result no longer determines our identity, our joy, or our belief in God's goodness.

Job expresses this kind of radical surrender when everything around him is falling apart: “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

That is a completely different way to compete.

Win—blessed be His name.

Lose—blessed be His name.

Start—blessed be His name.

Sit the bench—blessed be His name.

Receive the opportunity—blessed be His name.

Watch the opportunity disappear—blessed be His name.

We continue working. We continue pursuing excellence. We continue trying to win.

But we do it with open hands.

A Challenge for Athletes and Coaches

As you move through this week, consider where God may be asking you to become more like the infant—and where He may be asking you to become more like the provider.

What are you crying out for right now? Is it truly a need, or is it a want you have convinced yourself you must have?

Are you satisfied with where God has you today, even while continuing to work toward where you hope to be tomorrow?

Can you recognize the coaches, teammates, parents, teachers, and others through whom

God is currently providing His goodness?

And perhaps most importantly: Where do you need to work harder, and where do you need to get out of God's way?

Then look in the other direction.

Who has God placed in your life for you to serve?

Are you joyful when His goodness flows through you to someone else, or do you grumble about what it costs you?

We are both the infant and the provider.

We receive, and we give.

We work, and we surrender.

We pursue excellence, and we relinquish the outcome.

There is vulnerability in admitting that we are not in control. But for the Christian athlete and coach, that vulnerability doesn't have to produce fear.

It can produce joy.

Because our responsibility is not to control everything that happens next.

Our responsibility is to faithfully participate in what God has placed before us, give Him everything we have, and trust Him with everything that comes after.

God First. Others Second. Me Third.

— Tanner Field

Co-Founder, B3rd Athletics